July 2010
17 posts
“Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each...”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes
Moving From Me To We.com » Blog Archive » Six Ways to Make Friends More Easily
(via present)
“There’s nothing sweeter than having a little more dignity and respect than...”
Shaking hands
Sharon (startled awake): Ahhh, why is your hand in my face?
Me: What? Oh wow. That’s weird. I was just shaking hands with you in my dream.
Sharon: You were shaking my face.
“I enjoy fine wine, good company and falling asleep at house parties.”
“I think I was funnier when I was single and constantly getting dumped on.”
1 tag
“pour myself a cup of ambition….”
“One ten minute hammock RIDE is equal to ten cocktails. Cheers to motion...”
5 tags
“I spend, Jesus saves.”
“At 6’3”, I enjoy attracting people who like to comment on height...”
3 tags
“I enjoy making money, memories & mutual friends.”
Virginity →
2 tags
“Why does the military have the stakehold on all the official words? Why...”
“Summer goals: 1. writing outside; 2. walking more; 3. swimming; 4. travelling,...”
7 tags
“While recently applying for a job, I accidentally sent a journal entry instead...”
2 tags
“The last three people at work to advance to that position have left on maternity...”
7 tags
“FML has been designed for people who are used to having things go well. The...”
February 2010
1 post
January 2010
5 posts
2 tags
“Jesus take the wheel of my brand new fully loaded 2010 luxury car. Yeah, Jesus,...”
Pants off.
Improv Instructor: Wow, I have seen a lot of people pretend to take off their pants on stage, but never before have I seen someone actually take their pants off.
Me: Thank you. That's a really nice compliment.
*Note, I had tights on underneath, but I still feel pretty accomplished.
“A minister? Really? Have you thought about what job you could do when I’m...”
– My friend the Richard Dawkins spokesperson.
“Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to...”
– Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion. Hmm, should I still see God as the garden or recognize God in all of humanity or is that as ridiculous as the fairies?
Candy dish.
Me: I don't remember leaving it on the counter; how did my iPod get here?
Her: Oh, you left your iPod in the candy dish when you were drinking, so I moved it onto the counter.
Me: Oh, right! I did put it in the candy dish with my little bottle of handcream.
Her: Yeah, I went to reach for a candy then had to move the ear buds away from the ju-jubes.
December 2009
36 posts
“You know it’s a party when Mom pulls out the fart machine!”
“New years resolution— find a boyfriend.”
– CP. Haha.
“I’m just one good boob job away from self-actualizing.”
“That’s what you need— a hit it and quit it Church service—...”
Quite the package.
Kristy: This is lovely, and the sunlight is doing wonders for certain body parts of yours...
Jordan: That's just my package. God sent it, I signed for it. World keeps spinning.
“I thought I was a virgin!?!?!?!?!”
– A woman reading from the Christmas story at Church…. making it sound like Mary was a complete moron….. with a confused voice and all…..
Christmas Morning Housecoat
Claire: It's from JYSK.
Janna: Maybe don't wash it. That store is crap.
Dad: It was a final sale.
Mom: (throws her new housecoat to the ground)
“Jay, if you’re a vegetarian can you still eat chicken wings?”
– Dad to me. Dead serious.
“I noticed 931,806 people RSVPed “No” to Christmas as per the...”
“My housemates and I used to play “hide pink Jesus” as a joke. Little...”
3 tags
“C’mon, c’mon at least friend-zone me….”
6 tags
“You’re sheets have taken quite a beating. You’ll have to get a...”
– Mom after a bestie threw up. ;)
Daddy Issues
Her: Would it count as a pick up line if I said I was born after a failed vascectomy?
Him: No, I'm more into Daddy Issues.
Me: Would it count as a pick up line if I said my Dad pronounces his R's as W's, you wittle wascal?
5 tags
“Midway through mentioning how the restaurant was a lot nicer than the rowdy one...”
Hair appointment.
Me: Yeah, I'm really into the birth order theories. It disgusts me how last borns are so manipulative.
Hairdresser: Hmm, oh, ugh, that's interesting. Ugh, I'm the youngest of five.
3 tags
Is it common for people to read their horoscopes and gush, “Wow, I really am amazing” or is that just because I’m an Aries?
5 tags
“On your 24th birthday, when you said you felt your age, you made me want that. I...”
“Did Jesus walk on water or run on a slip-and-slide?”
Regarding the slip and slide water walking contraption seen at the YMCA today:
Me: Maybe that was what Jesus was walking on in the Bible.
J: Oh yeah, they just edited the slip and slide part out.
Me: Yeah, it's totally possible you know.
J: Yeah, for sure. And they thought it would be cool to make a story about a guy living in a fish.
Me: Definitely. But seriously, maybe Jesus really did have one of those things, took a few steps on it, and you know people just edited that bit out.
J: Hmm... I don't know that seems kind of important.
Me: Well you know how it is, they didn't write those books until like at least a hundred years later. Something could've gotten lost in the telling. I mean, have you ever played telephone?!? Seriously.
J: That's gotta go in the blog, E. If you don't write it in, I will.
So here ya go J, I dusted off the old tumblr just for you. ;)
“Thanks! I’m just chilling at the hospital… Some guy is visiting...”
– A text from a friend. Was she trying to cheer me up or was she suggesting I should ween myself down to two or three day? Hmmm…. Haha.
“Is it just me or does egg nog taste a little better every year? No, maybe every...”
Calling dibs!
1: Dibs on black shirt!
2: Dibs on Christmas!
1: You can't call dibs on Christmas; it's for everyone.
2: Everyone? That's pretty offensive-- forcing Christmas like that---
“And, little did they know the two solar panels on the eco-laundry wouldn’t...”
“Business proposition: opening a booth to sell OBAMA merch to the after bar crowd...”